Day 16: House of Time Dilation

One of the implications of Einstein's theory of relativity is that time and space are not constant, and can be compressed in certain special circumstances - such as when one is travelling close to the speed of light, or very near a deep gravity well (such as a black hole), or - we have now established - when painting baseboards.

It started last night, but we didn't consciously notice it. We started by doing some normal painting: in this case, the guest bathroom.



Then moved down to the basement to tackle the baseboards and door frames.



When we got through with that, it turned out that it was a lot later in the evening than it had seemed. Still, we pressed forward and took on the Handrails of Horror.



By the time we were through, it was almost midnight!! We thought 'Wow, that took a while to do,' but we still did not think to attribute the compression of time to relativistic effects. What was going on would, however, soon become clear.

Saturday morning somehow slipped by as we applied a second coat to the basement baseboards. We also did some regular painting, such as putting a second coat in the master bath and painting the pantry and priming the area above the stove where the microwave used to be.





To fight off the grinding monotony, today we powered up the world's clunkiest MP3 player.



Then there was no more avoiding it... we started the baseboards and doors on the main floor. No sooner had we begun, though, when the time dilation effects of working so close to baseboards became obvious. After painting for what seemed half an hour, it was almost 2:00 PM. Then, after doing what seemed like 15 minutes more work - with very little progress - it was 3:00!! The baseboards were fighting us, crushing time and space in an attempt to crush our spirits.

Time is not the only thing that was shortened. Relativistic effects also compress an object's size. For example, here is the carpet in the master bedroom after being warped by the space-twisting power of the baseboards:



Here are the baseboards' effects on our equipment. On the left of each picture is a normal-sized painting tool, and on the right are the ones used in proximity to the baseboards:







Even organic matter is affected. Here, you can see that my normal 6'0" has been shrunk by the power of the Baseboards of Despair to a mere 4'3".



Why go through all this? Why not just leave the baseboards as they are? Why not bow to their will? Why not just say 'F**K IT' and get on with our lives? Here's why - these pictures include an element we've painted white, and a bit of the original molding color.





And those whites aren't pure white yet - they still need a second (and in some spots a third) coat of paint.

Let me close tonight's entry by stating that if you are a homeowner, and you paint your baseboards and moulding some dark non-white color, then you are a bad, bad person.

Good night.

P.S. Lea wants to say something:


This morning bright and early I was having a pleasant conversation with my friend Emily, with whom I do not get to speak often. And during this conversation, what do I see but water coming in through a crack in the basement!!



As a geologist, I understand how and why this sort of thing happens. This does not, however, improve my mood about water seeping in through a crack in the basement of my house. I with now, more than ever, we could have teleported our nice, brand new house in Mobile to a flat 2 acre lot in Birmingham. It would have saved us a lot of time, money, and irritation.